BABY NAME DISASTERS

"If you going to give a kid these kind of names, I have some suggestions for you like Kick My Ass or Take My Lunch Money."

I'm not sure when it really started. When I was working at the Oregon Department of Revenue in the early 90's, I began making a list of odd names I saw on tax returns - just first names of dependents. D'Ann was one that stood out, I can tell what they parent was trying to do, but they ended up with something that ought to be pronouced "DANN" rather than the Deanne they were aiming for. Over the years it seems like more and more stupid names are showing up on kids. I'm not talking the woeful names like Rose Budd and Dick Trickle (why can't you go by Richard), I'm talking names that seem like they were invented by a dull 11 year old girl.

The problem is, I think most of these were invented by 11 year old girls who then never considered that this choice might be poor. It was their favorite name, when they have a girl, they want to name her L'Oreal! The boy, why he'll be Ridge like that hunk on the soap opera!

Mr Evans, a professor at Bellevue University, Nebraska, has studied baby names in the US for 25 years.

He has found that car models are a popular source of inspiration; 22 girls are registered as having the name Infiniti while 55 boys answer to Chevy and five girls to Celica.

Seven boys were found to have the name Del Monte - after the food company - and no less than 49 boys were called Canon, after the camera.

Designer firms and types of clothing were also well represented, with almost 300 girls recorded with the name Armani, six boys called Timberland and seven boys called Denim.

In some cases it seems something else was on some parents' minds - six boys were named after Courvoisier cognac.

ESPN. That's what at least one hapless child was named, ESPN. I don't even know how a teacher is going to work out how to pronounce it. We're talking Banjo, Rumer, and Ryder. Apple, Trixie Crimefighter, and Moon Unit. Celebrities seem to be the worst at this, and Cracked magazine's online site has a great lineup of the most woeful. Here are some lowlights:

Kal El, son of actor Nicholas Cage
Pilot Inspektor, son of actor Jason Lee
Fifi Trixibelle, daughter of Bob Geldof
Kyd, child of actors David Duchovny and Tea Leoni
Sage Moonblood, child of Sylvester Stallone
Maddox, son of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt
Memphis Eve, son of U2 singer Bono
Ocean, daughter of Forrest Whittaker, who has a dumb name too
Prince Michael, son of Michael Jackson
Prince Michael II, second son of Michael Jackson (nicknamed "blanket" by the man)
Rocket, son of director Robert Rodriguez
Blue Angel, son of U2 guitarist The Edge
Tu, child of Robert Morrow (get it? tu-morrow, get it? sigh)
Jermajesty, child of Jermaine Jackson

Look. I know you want to be creative and clever, I know you want your child to be unique. I know you've treasured the name Shaquanda all your young life because it sounds so African. I know you giggle when you look at the birth certificate and see Diva Thin Muffin Zappa. But this is a child's name, it is their life. They have to face every single day with this name, probably long after you are dead. They have to face school and teachers trying to figure out how to pronounce their name, they have to admit their parents are cruel bastards or just insane when they tell their moniker to others.

This is the name they have to put on applications and try to be taken seriously. Mary Christmas might have seemed cute, but that's their name for life. This isn't a toy, it isn't a dog, it's a human being. Life is hard enough without being saddled with someone's joke.

There's another aspect I wish people would consider. The names children have is an indelible stamp on a culture, it is a method of passing on tradition, history, and the past to the future. Children have historically and in almost every culture been named after someone in their family. Sometimes this takes the form of adding -son (or daughter) to the end of the name in some variant. Sometimes it's a middle name. Sometimes a beloved grandparent is carried on in memory in a child. This gives a culture a sense of continuity, a pattern that is followed. That's why we know of German names like Karl or English names like Richard or Chinese names like Ling. Because their parents kept a pattern of culture and heritage with their children.

This preserves not only the child's sanity but the culture that you grew up in. It's a method of keeping touch with where you live and who you are not just today, but in the past as well as the future. Names fall out of favor such as Agatha and Leslie (for a man) but they also live on like Jacob and John. Naming your child something "entirely new" or creative might be appealing but you're not thinking about the bigger picture of where you live and why. That disconnect might seem like a minor thing, but it's one more brick out of the wall that holds up the heritage and culture you live in, and when enough bricks are taken away, the entire thing comes down.

Naming a child isn't about you. It's about the child and the culture you live in. It isn't about whether you think the name is boring or not, it is about who the child is and who they will be to others. Name your child Rex and people will react differently than if you name him Percy. Names matter, they are the first thing we have in terms of information about someone in most cases.

This is the first thing you give your little child, the first and one of the most important gifts they will ever have. This is something they'll use every single day until they die and be remembered for after death. This is an integral part of the child's very existence as long as they live. Don't play games, don't be childish. Just because you loved the name as a child doesn't make it a good name for a real human being. Write a book with the name Destry in it, draw a picture and name it LaQueesha, get it out of your system. Then find a good name that a child can be proud of but not be a freak for bearing.

Children, Names, Culture